Why Can’t I Change?

This is the question spoken around the world, well at least spoken internally. Why, why, why? I hate to admit it, and I never wanted to get here but “why” has become a common question in my life.

Sometimes it’s just out of selfish desire to take away the hard, the pain and the struggle that comes with this life. Even struggle that provides so much growth – it doesn’t make it easy. But I’ve been finding myself questioning most recently, why can’t I change and why can’t I help other people change?

Which is a bold and dangerous statement to speak life into – as any lie is. As I dug into this, desiring to rip it out of my life from the roots, I knew I needed help. That’s why I turned to Dr. Kelly Forys Donahue – Licensed psychologist, nutritional therapist, advanced life coach and author of Everyday Self Care: Your Proven, Holistic Guide to Feeling Better. 

She has done incredible work and continues to do. On today’s podcast, we dive specifically into behavior change, and I point blank as her why we struggle so much to change for good. We also dig into our subconscious and conscious thoughts, practical ways to set goals and see change and more. It’s such a good show!

WARNING: Before you listen I do want to warn you/apologize for the poor sound quality. With that being said, even though there is some unnecessary static, I do feel the show was too good not to share, so take a listen, and I know you’ll be inspired. 

Listen on iTunes | Listen on Stitcher | Listen on Google Play | Review the Podcast

simple but not easy

I loved what she said about change,  “it’s simple but not easy.” If that ain’t the truth, I don’t know what is. Change is incredibly simple – she even graciously laid out the steps to create lasting change and yet it isn’t easy.

That’s what I’m finding of so many practical and straightforward health steps – like gratitude – they are so simple, yet we make them complicated. But as she mentioned, any change, even good change is going to be difficult because it’s different. And different is hard in any shape or form.

We’re creatures of habit – whether good or bad. Becoming disturbingly comfortable doing the same thing day in and day out – yet continually wishing for something different. Which I believe is the exact definition of insanity.

But the truth is, you want to change, I want to change, so how do we get it?

the formula for change

There’s a hundred different formula’s for change – which are all pretty much stating the same thing in a hundred different ways. Confusing, like all things, we all need to create our system. But seriously, change like anything is very individualized and unique – making you the only judge.

Which is also in another state extremely frightening as we often have tried to rely on willpower, on decision making to get us to our goal. But, we know that in both cases, they are exhaustible resources that will wither away long before you even taste your goal. Willpower is short-lived, as is our ability to make sound decisions. So what is it?

It’s attempting to change at the wrong starting point.

Yes, I know, we want the quick fix, the pill that will make us slim and give us the ability to pull money from our ears. But here’s what we know – change isn’t a quick fix, it is often a slow and slightly painful process. But one that is so worth it.

And the key is starting with the beginning of the equation. That equation being:

Thoughts -> Emotions -> Behavior Change

that’s why it doesn’t work

Trying to complete the Whole 30 {for real this time}, or setting a goal to hit the gym five days a week, stop spending money at Target {or stop going all together}, saying nice things to your spouse, spending less time on social media – these all sound great and are great – but the execution of these alone IS NOT ENOUGH.

Even getting specific with your goal like:

• I’m going to do the WHOLE30 strictly for 30 days to lose five pounds.
• I’m going to go to the gym five days a week – three days of cardio, two days of strength and measure a change in pushups and squats.
• I’m going to save $100 a month and put it into an emergency fund by not going to Target.
• I’m going to say three nice things about my spouse every day.
• I’m only going to allow 20 minutes of Instagram a day.

They’re specific, just as you’ve been taught but did you notice something?

There is no meaning, no emotion and certainly no change in mentality behind them. At least not written this way – which leads me to believe that these are going to get chalked up into the 99.9% of goals that will never be achieved.

Not because they’re not worth it, not because they’re not specific and defined but only because there is no real reason, no drive, no why behind them.

That’s what makes or breaks a goal – the broader vision, the higher purpose, the value that drives all other action. That’s what we need.

What does work?

Inside the podcast, Kelly lists simple strategies to make change stick. You’ll need to check out the podcast to get all of them, but the foundation is to know what you value.

The definition of value is, a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.

This is internally the mentality in which you judge all things. So while you may love the idea of health you’ve just never valued it, therefore, nothing ever sticks. Or while you enjoy looking at other people’s vacation pictures and think you need to go on a vacation, you learn that you don’t value travel or adventure.

They may sound like good ideas but good ideas – goals we “should” be doing carry no weight when the rubber meets the road, decisions get difficult, and you have to strap your running shoes on when it’s negative fifteen outside.

do this for change

Because the reality – all of our realities – meeting goals, reaching dreams takes work, grit and a lot of trials. The only way to sustain this is through values – through desire and love and passion. That’s what will get you through.

So if you want to change you have to know your values – YOU HAVE TO. And I promise once you start to understand your values you can then slap any goal you want to achieve inside of them. Some may seem like a stretch, but it all boils down to the reason. So let’s look at a few of the very “specific goals we listed.”

Instead of: I’m going to do the WHOLE30 strictly for 30 days to lose five pounds.

You value GROWTH: You’re going to complete the WHOLE 30 in 30 days to grow in my knowledge of how your body works and how it responds to food. You do it not for weight loss but for growth {<-KEY POINT}

Instead of: I’m going to save $100 a month and put it into an emergency fund by not going to Target.

You value TRAVEL:  I’m going to save $100 a month by not going to Target so that I can save it for the vacation I’ve wanted to go on.

There’s a reason, a why, a purpose in your action which completes the equation.

the bottom line

Action ALWAYS stems from our thoughts which lead us by our emotions. That’s why some of us like to eat when we’re having a bad day. Other’s shop to make them feel better, we fight with our spouse when we feel offended, and we quit the gym because we just don’t like it.

Our reason means everything, so the first and most significant step is uncovering your why.

So the question, why can’t I change becomes what do I love most about life and how can I use this to change?

resources

Make sure you check out these resources from todays show!

• Find Dr. Kelly here
• Get Dr. Kelly’s Book; Everyday Self Care
• Healthy Gains Weight Loss Program

uncover your values

Do you want help discovering your values? Well, good news because I have some fantastic resources. I just recorded a live video talking about values that you can dig into. Click here to get the live video.

Then check out this podcast, How to Actually Love to Eat Healthily. 

I promise it will change everything.

want to join me?

Speaking of change, would you like to join me in a year of living in-tune to your values – taking back your health and happiness in the simplest ways you never dreamt possible? Join me on a year-long journey of living nourished.

It’s full of free health classes {you can’t love what you don’t know}, live videos, q&a sessions, free downloads, new recipes, simple tips and steps to create the snowball effect and of course it’s all 100% free!!

What do you have to lose? Well, your health I suppose if you don’t join – okay that was too far – but you get my point.

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